I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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