its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
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