That's intense
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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