I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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