life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
