her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Randomize
