my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
