I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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