i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
