someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
