Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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