thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
