There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
