I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
