Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
