i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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