but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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