I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
