Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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