So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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