Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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