I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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