he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
