Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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