Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
