She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
