We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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