dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
