i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
