stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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