i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The feeling are messing with the penis
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
