I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
