there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
