Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Welp...herpes.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
