That's when you crack a 10am beer
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
