Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
he told me I talked like a deaf person
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
