I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
