What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
