Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
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