We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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