I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
