Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
So apparently I’m into choking now
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