the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
