we're chasing vodka with high fives
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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