I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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