This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
