i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize