Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
