Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
