So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
