Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
