just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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