I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
