I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize