I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
im holly from the hills drunk
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
