WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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